Seeing the Light

Clarity is always a good thing, no? And often it takes some time. I felt the need to clarify for those of you who read here that my divorce is not a cause for sadness or sympathy. I mean, I guess it's a sad thing that it failed because it's sad for my son. One could also argue that it's tragic when any marriage fails, but in our case, we really didn't have much business being married in the first place, so I think it's more of the universe righting a wrong

Anyway, I think right now that things are coming into focus in my life.

I'm not sad at all for myself...I'm excited.

I can't wait to see what's next.

File under What's New

I've been absent since Easter...lots of real-life drama. I'm about to take the train to Tammy Wynetteville and get a d-i-v-o-r-c-e. Dan's found a situation with a friend where he can move out after school is out for Liam, so there's some progress on that front. I've been taking lots and lots of pictures...I just haven't been posting anything here.

So what's been new?

1.Sunrises

2. Masses of violets and fresh green grass

(*see the teensy little inch worm on the top of the leaf in the middle left of this shot?)

3. New buds coming out on the trees and bushes

4. Gorgeous sunny daffodils

5. Bright green duckweed
And even though they've been taken before, even old pathways look fresh now.

Hot Peep Show after dark

So imagine all the Peeps in their factory, lined up row by row.

They have their little Peep conversations...business stuff.

But maybe after dark, the Peeps like to cut loose. They get out for happy hour. Maybe they even make a Soul Train.And Peeps don't discriminate. Two boy Peeps or two girl Peeps are totally accepted. And what happens later, in the privacy of their own home, is nobody's business but their own.

Not with a Bang, but a Whimper

So.A lot of you who read this blog don't know me in person, but some of you do. If you've been reading for more than a few months, you can probably pick up on the fact that things run pretty hot-and-cold between my husband and I. It's been better for the past 6 months or so, but apparently our run is up. Truth be told, we are an incredibly bad match for one another and have stayed together all these years out of a combination of fear of the unknown, misguided attempts to keep things going for the kids, stubbornness, pity for each other, and some weird version of love (or co-dependence), I guess.
Nothing major has happened...we had a fight that most couples would weather in a couple of hours, and it ripped the scabs off the all the old wounds, revealing all the cancer that's long been festering underneath. There's no point in going on. We've been pretending for far too long already. The thing is, when one so-called "partner" in the relationship has been unemployed with no intention of trying to find any work for over a year, that "partner" is kind of shit-out-of-luck when it comes to having any money to get the hell out of the family domicile.
So.
On the Saturday before Easter, I find myself feeling somewhat bittersweet but hopeful in this season of renewal. I'm cool with having a roommate for a couple of months, as long as he can get his shit together. If he starts making my life any more miserable than he needs to, I can play rough too, but there's no need for that right now. For now, I'm going to look forward to the day when I can finally take a deep breath.

I didn't even get struck by lightning!

Last Sunday afternoon, I stopped by the Russian Orthodox First Church of the Nativity. Maybe it's because I didn't actually go inside, but I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't even struck by lightning for walking on to the property!

In all seriousness, it's a beautiful church. It's perched on a bluff overlooking the bayfront. Apparently the original church, which burned in 1986, was built there because the original Russian immigrants who made up the parish worked on the water.

I've always loved iconograpy and Eastern Christian artistry. It's very different than the representations we see in Western Christian art. Look how Jesus looks like a little grown up man here. I love that.

And I'm not even going to get into what it looks like Mary is laying in in this one.

Mom, why do you look like you're in an autopsy photo?

I was playing around with my camera last night, mostly just fooling around with different settings. When I saw these shots, I decided that I actually liked some of them and I might like to make a little series with some weird processing in Photoshop. Most of these make heavy use of my beloved Lomo action by A2D, as well as some different Virtual Photographer filters.
I thought they looked kind of cool, but Em says I look dead. Oh, and she also pointed out that you can see every line and flaw in my face. I told her that was kind of the point and she just shook her head at me. Moms. What's a teenager to do?

At the Tracks, and a small bit of housekeeping.

Another stop I made yesterday was down at the train station. We have a very unused train station here. The two passenger trains that have service in Erie are to Chicago at like 1:30 in the morning, and to New York City at something like 4:30 in the morning...maybe later? The train station is open from midnight to 7:30 am, if that's any indication.

So I wasn't expecting to see any big crowds of people up there at 3:00 on a Sunday. What I did find surprised me and made me a little sad. There were a couple of these huge carts, like in the picture below:

As I walked around this one taking pictures, I saw something kind of disconcerting...a pillow.

Judging by the amount of cigarette butts and footprints, this spot gets used pretty frequently.

So if you're sleeping in a bed tonight, you're pretty damn lucky, you know? No matter what else might be wrong.

Editor's Note: I wanted to say thanks to everyone who said how much they admired that I would go up to a stranger and ask to take his picture. I do it all the time! Ain't no thing but a chicken wing, people...the worst they can say is no. What I usually do is approach someone and say, "Would you mind if I took your picture? I'm studying photography." They're usually happy to oblige, although a lot of times they wonder why I'd want to photograph them in particular, in which case I make some corny joke about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, or tell them how interesting they are or something to that effect. So, to all of you who say you have wanted to do that, I wholeheartedly challenge you to do so! I think you'll be proud of yourselves if you do.

Also, in the comments on yesterday's post, "Anonymous" said they don't know how to get ahold of me and can't find my email address. Well...gee, Anonymous, do I know you? Or do you just want my email? I tell you what, I'm feeling spunky, and Gmail is pretty good at blocking spam, so I'll play along for a bit. Shoot me a line at aheadofmyability@gmail.com if you'd like.

Lost in Plain Sight

I went downtown to take pictures today. It was refreshing to get away from the house, and to just be alone for awhile. I took pictures up at the train station, took some at the Russian Orthodox church I've always meant to stop at, and even stopped at a tattoo parlor on a whim to inquire about getting an old messy tattoo I have covered up with something new and pretty.

My last stop of the day was down at the bayfront and there were a lot of people out fishing and enjoying the sunshine. Off to the east pier, I met Michael.

He seemed surprised when I approached him to ask if I could take his picture. He asked why I would want to, and I answered honestly that he was interesting.

Although it seemed pretty obvious that he was homeless, I asked if he lived around here. He said he slept in his van at night and hung out at the dock or the park during the day. I asked if he was aware of City Mission to get help and he said yes.

Part of me wondered if he wanted to tell any more of his story, but instead, I thanked him for letting me take his picture, and I told him it was nice to meet him, and I shook his hand and I walked away.

Dichotomies

I had the occasion to take photographs twice this weekend. Yesterday, I took some shots of sweet little Madison. You may remember back when she was just a name on her mom's belly, or maybe you remember when she was nestled in a basket like a cute little bug.

Well little Miss Madison is growing up! She'll be one in May, and I got to take a few (hundred) shots of her yesterday. More of those to come this week.

Today, we drove down to see my grandpa. Bumpa, as I call him, helped raise me. I lived with him and my gram for a time while I was growing up, and he's definitely more of a "dad" than a "grandpa." He's in his eighties now, but still very independent and "with it," as the kids like to say. Bumpa has also been blind in his right eye ever since a firecracker accident when he was a kid, but he has always functioned just fine.Except he had previously been diagnosed with both glaucoma and macular degeneration. Not great when you rely on only one eye. And last week, he woke up one day to find that he couldn't really see anything that was further away than about two feet.

So suddenly, the family patriarch who still helps some of us with our taxes, needs a magnifying glass to see his checkbook. The man who taught me how to drive and still ferried his sister around to her doctors appointments and shopping trips, can't drive his car anymore.

As has always been his tradmark style (indicative of many of the Great Depression/World War II generation), he is accepting of this new hand that's been dealt to him and loathe to complain or feel sorry for himself. We combined our visit today with a shopping trip, which was a nice way to spend time together. And as usual, even though he has tried to love it out of me and show me the way all these years, I have enough bitterness and angst for both of us.